Women should not have children after 35. Really … 35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

No one ever says, “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECK-OUT TIME IS 18.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was … surrounded by trees and bushes.

Marriage changes passion: suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there’s a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.

Home is where you can say anything you like ’cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it’s OK — they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with GUESS on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?”

I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

Sign in pet store: “Buy one dog, get one flea … ”

Dyslexia means never having to say that you’re yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age … especially if you take them while driving.

I don’t approve of political jokes; I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands — you might as well keep the first.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational: I can now say “Kaopectate” in seven different languages.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.